


Enough

by seke



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11844087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seke/pseuds/seke
Summary: Takasugi has a bad night but Bansai is there for him.





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how this became a fic tbh. I just wanted to write about how sometimes, even the happy times feel bad. And now I think I ended up writing about how sometimes the bad times feel good, too.

Takasugi woke up. His bed was warm and comfortable, exactly how a bed was supposed to be and the opposite of what he usually felt when he was there. Cold.

His bed wasn't cold and he blamed the man sleeping next to him for that. It was  _ his _ warmth. Somehow, he thought that he was doing something wrong. The man’s warmth _ —Bansai’s _ warmth—belonged only to himself. Takasugi didn't think it was right to steal it.

And yet, he didn't move away. He stroked Bansai’s hair and observed him sleep. He looked tranquil. Was he having a good dream?

When he was awake, Takasugi told Bansai he liked him. But when Bansai was sleeping and couldn't hear him,  Takasugi confessed he loved him. He had fell in love with him and he didn't know when he realized it, but he needed Bansai by his side.

Still, loving Bansai and being loved by Bansai wasn't enough. Not to calm the beast inside him, urging him to destroy something, someone, himself. Only when everything was reduced to pieces he would have peace.

He was tired. And he didn't even know what made him so tired. Perhaps it was life itself. It was exhausting.

He wanted to stay by Bansai’s side and keep feeling his warmth. But what he wanted and what he did were two different things. So he left the bed.

He left the bed because he was panicking. It was suffocating. It was cold,  _ so _ cold he was trembling. He didn't want to have a yoyo in place of a heart anymore. He was tired of the up, down, up, down, down, down, until the string fell off. He was tired of life controlling him.

Takasugi knew he should do something, he couldn't keep trembling, so he put his clothes—only his  _ haori _ —on.

He looked at Bansai again and although he had thought it was great to have him there at first, he started to feel weird. Bansai being on his bedroom wasn't that rare, but it wasn't common either. Takasugi was bothered by it. That was not the reality he knew.

He caught his  _ kiseru  _ and opened the window. He looked to the moon, feeling a strange connection with it and he let the wind caress his face.

Takasugi didn't look away from the moon when he smoked. He inhaled and he exhaled, letting the bitter taste invade his mouth. That was reality. What he always did and would always do. Bansai wasn't reality because he knew that thing between them wouldn't last. He would die. Bansai would die. And the one to survive would feel lonely again. There was no happy ending for two murderers.

“Shinsuke,” Bansai called. Takasugi knew from his tone that he was confused. He sounded troubled.

But Takasugi didn't reply. He simply kept watching the moon.

Without him noticing, Bansai left the bed. He walked to where Takasugi was and hugged him from behind. Tightly. And he felt Takasugi trembling.

“What's wrong?” Bansai asked. He did not let go of him.

Takasugi kept quiet. 

Then, he thought for a while and said:

“It is cold.”

“Yes, it is. We should go back to bed, I daresay.”

Takasugi shook his head, still not looking at Bansai.

“No. Just stay right here. By my side.”

Bansai didn't know what to say. But he wouldn't argue with Takasugi. If that was what he wanted, he would respect it.

“... Yes.”

“You can't save me,” Takasugi said suddenly.

It took Bansai by surprise. However, he knew that Takasugi’s words carried no lie.

“I can't save you,” Bansai agreed.  _ But I can try,  _ he thought. “You are the only person who can save yourself, I daresay. But I promised to give you my life, so it will be yours until you have figured out how to live your own.”

Silence. Takasugi was grateful for Bansai’s words. However, he was still insecure.

“What if I can never find the answer?” Takasugi asked in a low tone, the words slowly disappearing together with the wind.

Bansai sighed. He kissed Takasugi’s nape, trying to comfort him.

“Then I guess my life will be yours forever,” He said, like it was no big deal. Because it wasn't, not for him.

But it was, for Takasugi.

“Does it bother you?” He asked, almost automatically.

“Not even a little,” Bansai confessed. “After all, I trust you to make good choices. You are a strong man, Shinsuke. There is no one more suited to hold my life than you. You are the leader of Kiheitai.”

_ And you are the person I love _ , he thought but didn't add.

Takasugi sighed and put his  _ kiseru _ away.

“Let's go back to bed,” Takasugi asked and his voice made it sound like a order.

Bansai didn't dislike that. It only meant Takasugi was calming down. He smiled and let go of him. Just for a moment.

“Yes.”

They went to bed and closed their eyes. Before falling asleep, they hugged once more and Bansai didn't let go of Takasugi again. Not for the rest of the night.

Takasugi thought it wasn't so bad. He couldn't control the beast, but he could ignore it for a while. He couldn't have the peace he wanted all the time, but he could at least enjoy it for that brief moment together with Bansai. And maybe, just maybe, that was enough. Enough to make him keep going.

**Author's Note:**

> i swear i am an optimist


End file.
